A Proposal for Health Care Reform

Work is busy and unending for pharmaceutical companies. In order to move pharmaceuticals out to the market its necessary to do the following things:

1. Make financial major contributions to medical schools to influence curriculum in a way that puts drugs as the first remedy for medial problems and de-emphasize prevention and health maintenance down the list.
2. Create direct to customer advertising promoting pharmaceuticals as if they are consumer products. Graphically show the benefits of the medicine, while not showing the side effects but stating them as quickly as possible at the end of the commercial.
3. Paying an army of physically attractive and medically un-knowledgeable pharmaceutical reps out to convince medically knowledgeable but physically unattractive physicians to use one particular copycat drug (presently, 70% to 86% of pharmaceutical research goes to copying drugs that have already been created – http://www.cepr.net/content/view/1095/45/) over another.

Blond women are a big part of communicating pharmaceutical research. Physicians like large buxom pharmaceutical reps as it helps them better focus on the clinical research. Free pens help physicians take notes, and free holidays help them relax and read the reports brought to them by super-hot pharm reps.

A Key Reform

As you can imagine all this work (the marketing, not the pharmaceutical research, which is roughly 40% of what is spent on marketing http://www.motherjones.com/news/qa/2004/09/09_401.html) is very expensive and the business model is in question with respect to an aging population and spiraling health care costs. The system can be greatly improved by removing bottlenecks. Unfortunately,the physician is now that bottleneck. His role as an intermediary between the drug customers (i.e. patients) and  pharmaceutical companies is no longer tenable. Costs could be greatly reduced if the physicians and medical schools were removed from the process and if drugs were treated like other consumer products.

In the new medical age, the physician is an anachronism which simply repeats pharmaceutical company recommendations to patients.

Vending machines with medical diagnostic software built in can do the same thing most GPs are doing.

Television advertising could be increased and drug vending machines could be set up and Walgreen’s and CSV. Patients (drug customers) would simply enter their symptoms and the machine would distribute the right drug based upon which major pharmaceutical company ( Merck, Eli Lilly, etc..) had bid on the customer’s business for that day.

This FDA can move from approving copycat drugs to making sure that the bidding process is transparent, and every pharmaceutical company is treated fairly and the profit maximizing price for drug customers (patients) is maintained.

Why Critics of This Approach are Wrong

Some critics have criticized this approach as corrupt. However, independence and fair play is ensured by the fact that the drug vending machines are owned by a separate company than the drug companies. An electronic bidding system will ensure that the pharmaceutical company that bids the most for the business gets the business. The FDA can dispense with its role of automatically approving falsified drug research and can move to regulating the bidding process that would be created under this system.

Great ad for restless legs syndrome, but be careful, taking drugs for restless legs syndrome may cause excessive gambling losses.

Links

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pharmaceutical_company#Marketing
http://www.motherjones.com/news/qa/2004/09/09_401.html
86% of copycat drugs figure from Marcia Angell MD, Social Medicine, Harvard Medical School

http://www.cepr.net/content/view/1095/45/

DVD on Pharmaceuticals http://www.mediaed.org/videos/MediaAndHealth/BigBucksBigPharma

A New Era

IBM is proud to announce a brand new gay consulting line within our core systems unit. Dubbed the Rainbow Team, we began offering our services as of July 2004

Our History

IBM has always been about following the crowd. For instance back in the 1950s we were a very conservative operation. We promoted the blue suit, short haircuts and discrimination against women and ethnic minorities in favor of tall white men. We patterned ourselves after the FBI; while our rank and file looked and acted conservative, at the top we cross dressed like we were from the Castro district.

Times Change, so Must IBM

However, times have changed, and so has IBM. We are really about making money, we don’t really have any particular opinion about anything one way or another. Our PR department alerted us back in Feb of 2002 that being gay is increasingly edgy. We began wondering, is our conservative reputation costing us business in corrupt world of large system engagements. Could being seen as gay, make us seem more “edgy” and hip in the fast moving computer systems business? Thus the brainchild of IBM Gay Global Services was born.

A New IBM

So, we are making a big effort to reposition ourselves. We want you to know how IBM has changed. Our meetings and presentations are no longer boring. Instead they are fun and filled with a little sizzle. This is particularly true of our Gay Global Services unit.

So when you think of gay & computer system consulting, think of IBM. You won’t be disappointed.

Replacing Creativity With Computers

The Music Maker Story

No doubt you have listened to modern pop music while at home or at the gym. You may have noticed a certain eerie similarity to the instruments and vocals. And you may be thinking,

“How can I make this banality work for me?”

Well now you can!

With music factory you can now create your own pop music on-line. Did you know that most recording labels do not require you to actually play in front of them in order to get a recording contract? Its true! The whole system works off of demo tapes. If they like your tape, they will sign you. This is cash in your pocket.

How it works

All you need to do is sign up with our monthly service, and then choose from our on-line database of prerecorded snippets. You can assemble them yourself in an audio editor like Sony SoundForge in the privacy of your own home! Its so easy even Justin Timberlake (did) could do it! First you need to select a genre. Within each we have thousands of prerecorded short audio snippets.

“I owe it all to Pop Music Maker – Thanks guys!” – Britney Spears

Next Steps

The next step is simply mixing and matching these clips until you have a new song. This is how 80% of the major artists currently do it. You will need a title, its important that every song have a new title so that you can sell it separately from other songs. We will insert this verbal cue into the song for you!

Generally you need around 170 seconds of music to make one song. Its not as hard as it sounds. The average current pop song repeats the same snippet multiple times. If you were to enter the popular “Awwwwy yea” snippet into a song 15 times, that’s 60 seconds right there! You only have another 110 seconds to go and you have a complete song.

Then send out the demo tapes to the major studios like Sony, Geffen and EMI and wait for your recording contracts to roll in.

“I used to be an accountant, but Pop Music Maker taught me how to craft a hip hop image and market it. I have never actually stepped foot into a recording studio. Look at me now biiiatch. Much love.” – 50 Cent

There are a few tips you will want to follow:

1. Pick simple subjects. Try to stay at the level of a 19 year old. Think about the things you liked when you were 19.
2. Make your title about fantasy. No one wants to hear about problems or limitations in life. Its a downer. Sexual and romantic fantasy are the best sellers. If you are a rapper, you can sing about what a bad ******er you are, and how you keep a harem. This is also very popular.
3. Put the word “You” in your title or song. People are egocentric, they love to hear the word “You.” It makes them feel good and they will then buy your song.
4. Try to be somewhat physically attractive. We live in a visual age due to video’s and synchronized dancing. Most people don’t want to hear ugly people with two left feet sing. Meatloaf was the exception that proves the rule. If you are unattractive and a rapper – which seems to be a requirement – the rules change, you can get around this by placing a lot of nearly naked women in your videos after you get your contract.
5. When your first video is due to be produced we can help out. We have a number of people who look like musicians who can pretend to be your band. Everything is dubbed, so it will look real. Don’t Delay. Your faux music career is just around the corner.

Don’t Delay, Act Now!

The whole genome project attempts to keep our readership up to date with the latest in reproductive science. In particular how science impacts social trends.

This quarter we look into in vitro fertilization.

The latest technology to make its impact felt on our lives is in vitro fertilization. This allows fertilization to occur in a lab with pre-selected genetic material. 20,000 babies born worldwide are conceived in-vitro. While currently the technology has been used for couples with fertility problems the real benefit of in vitro fertilization is being ignored.

A four alphabet code, long enough to reach to the moon and back determines whether you will read the classics, or the NASCAR Weekly.

A Simple Question

Think about the people you know or work around. How many of them do you think have the kind of genetics you want to see propagated in the next generation?

Current Situation

Worldwide only half the population can name four countries that have nuclear weapons. Only 13% of Americans can locate Iraq on a map. Thirty five percent believe in Bigfoot.

Dan Quayle has replicated his genetics by having children. Is this good?

Bigfoot Does Not Exist. Isn’t it time we had the kind of person who can appreciate this?

The Research

Research by Master’s and Johnson indicates that only 8.5% of conversations between people in the Boston area were actually interesting. South Carolina is now down to 2%.They are now projecting a 87% shortage of interesting people to talk to by the year 2008!

The Future

In vitro fertilization can put a stop to all of this. The sperm of Einstein and Richard Feyman are kept at Cal Tech. The genetic material of our best and brightest is available for pennies.

The Beckman Institute at Cal Tech

Given another chance, more Einsteins may finally solve the Grand Unifying Theory..

…so that we may finally know the “Mind of God”

Or we can have more Chuck Norrises…

Which would you prefer?

Some people ask us if In-Vitro ever has any downsides. Sure…..but we say you have to take the good with the bad. We think is was Shakespeare who once said “there is much slip between cup and lip”

We will be honest, mistakes do happen

In the event of a mix up, your loved one will be well cared for, and you won’t be billed for mistakes.

Our Facilities

The World Renown In Vitro Clinic

We are all geared up, but not enough people know about the new services.

Our Marketing Campaign

This is the motivation for new advertising program we are co-sponsoring with the In Vitro Clinic. You may see the following billboard on your daily commute

Our New Ad

Let’s Face Facts….You Are Mediocre.

Your significant other is probably mediocre too.

Apples don’t fall to far from the tree. Don’t make her mediocre too.

Get the best genetics for your baby

The In Vitro Clinic 1-800-INVITRO

It truly is a brave new world in genetics. We now hold the power to ensure that each person is a real contributor to society, rather than another Billy Carter. Won’t you help spread the word?

“Mitosis is inevitable, but Meiosis is Discretionary” – Albert Einstein

The Pressing Issue of Genetics and Population

We have a bit of a problem in this country, or should we say world. At over 6.8 billion people and growing at a rate of 2.5 per second, the human species is now overly dominating the planet. Since the beginning of life on the planet, there has have been one species that erradicated the rest. Species that are not human are currently getting eliminated at a rapid clip.

Environmental Degredation

Environmental problems are becoming endemic. No longer simply localized to large cities, the overconsumption and human polution now bring global consequences. These consequences have the effect of deforesting the planet, warming the planet and degrading the protective layers of the upper atmosphere.

Air Quality

It is now unhealthy to jog in most large cities. The PSI was developed to measure air pollution. A score of 200 is considered hazardous to your health. Los Angeles scores over 200 PSI 100 days per year; New York 200. These numbers are bound to get worse.

Food Sources

Over-fishing and pollutants are placing worldwide fishing stocks in a long-term decline. Valuable fishes that once furnished the livelihood of fishermen worldwide are nearly gone, replaced by species of much lower commercial value.

Mismatch of Resources

A small percentage of the population is well off (primarily based upon leveraging the unsustainable use of fossil fuels) Meanwhile, 2/3rs of the world’s 4.8 Billion people in developing countries don’t have access to basic sanitation and health services. Mathlus’ disease, famine and war postulate applies for many.

Large Discount Store Shopping

The people shopping at Wal-Mart are looking increasing bizzare. Errant meiosis of defective DNA base pairs points to a complete meltdown of human genetic heritage.

Our researchers are now predicting a 23% chance that in the next 10 years DNA in Wal-Mart shopper is going to simply completely unravel. This will deprive Wal-Mart shoppers of the critical enzymes necessary to buy extra large bags of lays potato chips, or the ability to sustain life.

The Whole Genome Project

It is for these reasons that The Whole Genome Project was convened. Our first conference was on Population Research in Lausanne in 1997. This conference brought together the leading minds in population statistics, biometrics and environmental sciences. After much collaborative analysis and debate, the Chair of the international delegation, Dr. Ivan Sten-Drevosky, spoke for the entire delegation when he stated:

“The latest genetic markers are conclusive. The human genetic code is in serious decline. For the sake of humankind, we need to prevent misdirected breaking of the genome. It is our obligation as men of science”

Dr. Ivan Sten-Drovosky – Lausanne Conference

The Drovosky Replication Test

Please answer the following questions

1. Measure your ankle and upper calf. (If they are close in diameter then answer “yes,” if not then answer “no.”)
   
2. Have you lived in the United States for over a decade but still speak very little or no English (hasta no habla Engles)?
3. Chuck Norris is a good an actor. His movies have stimulating screenplays and I enjoy them very much. (Agree of Disagree)
   
4. Did you meet your spouse at Wal-Mart? (Yes or No)
   
5. George W. Bush seems like a smart, well read man to me (Yes or No)
6. Does everything always work out for the best? i.e. will God provide? (Agree or Disagree)
   
7. Do you earn less than $30 US per year (only answer if you are from third world nation) (Yes or No)
   

If you answered yes to any of the above, we want you to keep your genome whole.

Our Mandate

Part of the Whole Genome Project’s mandate is to perform population research. Our research found that most humans begin as babies. We borrowed a few and brought them to our Salt Lake City lab to perform detailed tests.

Here is what we found:

1. babies make a lot of noise
2. The test babies broke most of our sophisticated instrumentation before we could analyze them properly. They put our extremely delicate equipment up their nose, in their mouth and in aheeem……..unspeakable places
3. The babies completely disturbed the researcher’s sleep (we kept them overnight). They repeatedly woke up and made strange vocalizations
4. After two days, we were happy to give them back to their parents. Our research was somewhat inconclusive (they spilled apple sauce on our readouts while our researchers were at lunch). However we were able to determine that babies, brownies and ultra clean lab environments don’t mix.

The Effect of Alcohol

Alcohol is strangely present during imprudent genome splitting. We are still investigating whether the alcohol causes the splitting, or the splitting promotes the consumption of these brown beverages. Alcohol can affect the desire to use birth control, or to use it properly. The question must be asked, do we really want our reproductive policy determined by Michelob?

Inebriated bar conversation

Lager leads to bad decision

The Wal Mart Affect

Wal-Mart: Are misshapen people meeting at Wal-Mart and splitting substandard genomes? We think so.

Ground Zero

Inexplicable body configurations

What is this woman doing? 

The Effect of Romantic Love

Romantic love is a nice idea, but it is insufficient justification to split the genome. Love merely determines if one subject finds another subject appealing. It does not scientifically prove the subject’s genomes will combine to synthesize a pristine, or even passable human.

Baubles like this lead to love thoughts, and love thoughts lead to errant genome splitting

The Influence of Churches

The Catholic church conjured the anti-birth control stance in 434 AD, despite their being almost no biblical support for the stance. Other religions such as Islam have been equally adamant on the topic.  

Recently The Catholic Church has recanted and admitted that the Earth orbits the sun. We are waiting back to hear if they finally agree the world is more than six thousand years old. Can they be persuaded to alter their position on contraception as well? Maybe one day.

Our Final Recommendation

Overpopulation, environmental degradation, and the replication of idiocy compel us to ask people who are considering splitting the genome to give it a second thought. Please keep that genome whole. There are many other things to do in life aside from making a copy of oneself. Making a copy is not for everyone and certain preconditions should be met. However, if one does not end up making a copy, one can enjoy life and luxuriate in their increased personal time, contribute to science, contribute to worthy causes and maybe even read some books.

The Issue

Lets face it, we have a problem of doggie supply in this country. While in Pusan, fresh dog is available to all. In the US, its difficult for those quality restaurants to get the dog meat the need. Import restrictions have limited the importation of overseas dog stocks, which makes it difficult for you the, restaurateur, to get what you need.

Prime Doggie Cuts

Introducing Doggie Delicious

This is where Doggie Delicious© comes in. We have signed long term agreements with select pounds in close to major metropolitan areas. This ensures a ready supply of fresh dog. We even provide Korean bills of lading!

Any restaurateur knows the name of the game is selection, selection selection. That is where Doggie Delicious really pays dividends. No one compares with our selections. Here are a few examples

Manchester Hound

Our most popular dog and best seller. Exceptional flavor throughout. Try our Manchester Hound Ground Round. Your customers won’t go back to non-dog meat

Siberian Husky

Suitable for a wide variety of dishes. Many people who will not eat “dog” will eat a Siberian with aplomb.

Perfect for dog meat soup

Mastiff

Our steardiest of dog meat. Mastiffs serve their masters well, and their palets even better. Effuses the mouth with a remarkably subtle taste for such a big dog.

Almost custom made by mother nature for “Texas Sized” cuts

Shih Tzu

For those special meals like weddings, anniversaries. When Shih Tzu is served you know its a special occasion

Contact us for samples. We are sure you will say this is the best dog-on dog meat you will find on the web

Nobody’s pet has to disappear!

Doggie Delicious.com

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Are you burned out on yours spouse? Do you find the constant bickering soul destroying? Have you reached your limit in terms of the number of times you can have sex with the same person? If so you may be a potential customer for marriageswitching.com. Its the new hot website and a great way out for people who’s marriage have totally run out of gas. The great thing about marriageswitching.com is it is totally socially acceptable and has not stigma associated with it like divorce. In fact you don’t have to go back on the dating scene at all.

How it Works

The marriageswitching.com website has loads of married couples just like you. Married couples who are completely bored with their spouse, but who can’t afford to get divorced and need another caregiver replacement for their current spouse. Like most married couples, they have just agreed to live together to continue the ruse, or stay together for the “kids.” By searching through the married couples you can legally and efficiently switch marriages with them. You pick up a new spouse and keep some of our kids, but pick up the kids of your new spouse. All that is needed is a name change, and voila, you have a whole new marriage. Secondly, there is no limit to the number of times you can switch marriages. Some of our most satisfied customers have switched 2 or 3 times.

Real Estate Agents

Real estate agents are great….everyone loves them. In the era of the Internet, where anyone can find all of the houses on the market by searching the Multiple Listing Service, the role of the real estate agent is more important than ever. The important roles that real estate agents have include:

1. Giving clients rides in a Lexus
2. Flattering clients
3. Taking prospective home buyers to homes in a specific sequence that allow them to first see setup homes that are deliberately overpriced in order to get them into the mood to buy the home the agent has really set them up to buy
4. Upselling home buyers into homes they can not afford
5. Preforming all the complex paperwork involved in home buying that could be performed online for a few hundred or thousand dollars

The Problem

There is one problem, real estate agents want a lot of money for these services that are completely mindless and could be performed equally well by a robot. For you, the enterprising real estate agency owner we offer: Robo Real Estate Agent.

Robot Real Estate Agent Model Z-210

Robo Real Estate Agent is a human sized interpersonal animatronic robot which uses a track system for locomotion. Each unit comes with 5 basic recordings depending upon whether the home buying couple is:

1. Empty nesters
2. First time home buyers (with kids)
3. First time home buyers (without kids)
4. Single lonely divorced men
5. Spinsters

Research shows that real estate agents nationwide say very few original things to their clients. Robo Real Estate Agent comes with all the tried and true catch phrases. These include:

• “The schools in this area are great, are you two thinking of kids?”
• “I just showed two buyers this property and they are very interested. If you want it, you should overbid.”
• “The kitchen is an open plan, great for family get togethers.”
• “This area is going to do nothing but go up on value.”

Why have a human punch out these hackneyed phrases, when Robo Real Estate Agent can do it on que. Best of all, since Robo Real Estate Agent has no blood vessels, it can’t blush when punching out these cheesy lines.

Find out what the rest of the real estate industry has already learner, you don’t need to pay a human to do the job of a real estate agent when a robot can do it for less. Robo Real Estate Agent never sleeps, does not take coffee breaks, and unlike most your agents is able to keep its ego in line with its contribution to society. Stop being jealous of your counterparts in the construction business who have figured out how to make substandard housing with illegal alien labor, eliminate the pay for workers in your section of the real estate industry as well with Robo Real Estate Agent. Its a brave new world the real estate business and it all starts now!

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