“Mitosis is inevitable, but Meiosis is Discretionary” – Albert Einstein

The Pressing Issue of Genetics and Population

We have a bit of a problem in this country, or should we say world. At over 6.8 billion people and growing at a rate of 2.5 per second, the human species is now overly dominating the planet. Since the beginning of life on the planet, there has have been one species that erradicated the rest. Species that are not human are currently getting eliminated at a rapid clip.

Environmental Degredation

Environmental problems are becoming endemic. No longer simply localized to large cities, the overconsumption and human polution now bring global consequences. These consequences have the effect of deforesting the planet, warming the planet and degrading the protective layers of the upper atmosphere.

Air Quality

It is now unhealthy to jog in most large cities. The PSI was developed to measure air pollution. A score of 200 is considered hazardous to your health. Los Angeles scores over 200 PSI 100 days per year; New York 200. These numbers are bound to get worse.

Food Sources

Over-fishing and pollutants are placing worldwide fishing stocks in a long-term decline. Valuable fishes that once furnished the livelihood of fishermen worldwide are nearly gone, replaced by species of much lower commercial value.

Mismatch of Resources

A small percentage of the population is well off (primarily based upon leveraging the unsustainable use of fossil fuels) Meanwhile, 2/3rs of the world’s 4.8 Billion people in developing countries don’t have access to basic sanitation and health services. Mathlus’ disease, famine and war postulate applies for many.

Large Discount Store Shopping

The people shopping at Wal-Mart are looking increasing bizzare. Errant meiosis of defective DNA base pairs points to a complete meltdown of human genetic heritage.

Our researchers are now predicting a 23% chance that in the next 10 years DNA in Wal-Mart shopper is going to simply completely unravel. This will deprive Wal-Mart shoppers of the critical enzymes necessary to buy extra large bags of lays potato chips, or the ability to sustain life.

The Whole Genome Project

It is for these reasons that The Whole Genome Project was convened. Our first conference was on Population Research in Lausanne in 1997. This conference brought together the leading minds in population statistics, biometrics and environmental sciences. After much collaborative analysis and debate, the Chair of the international delegation, Dr. Ivan Sten-Drevosky, spoke for the entire delegation when he stated:

“The latest genetic markers are conclusive. The human genetic code is in serious decline. For the sake of humankind, we need to prevent misdirected breaking of the genome. It is our obligation as men of science”

Dr. Ivan Sten-Drovosky – Lausanne Conference

The Drovosky Replication Test

Please answer the following questions

1. Measure your ankle and upper calf. (If they are close in diameter then answer “yes,” if not then answer “no.”)
   
2. Have you lived in the United States for over a decade but still speak very little or no English (hasta no habla Engles)?
3. Chuck Norris is a good an actor. His movies have stimulating screenplays and I enjoy them very much. (Agree of Disagree)
   
4. Did you meet your spouse at Wal-Mart? (Yes or No)
   
5. George W. Bush seems like a smart, well read man to me (Yes or No)
6. Does everything always work out for the best? i.e. will God provide? (Agree or Disagree)
   
7. Do you earn less than $30 US per year (only answer if you are from third world nation) (Yes or No)
   

If you answered yes to any of the above, we want you to keep your genome whole.

Our Mandate

Part of the Whole Genome Project’s mandate is to perform population research. Our research found that most humans begin as babies. We borrowed a few and brought them to our Salt Lake City lab to perform detailed tests.

Here is what we found:

1. babies make a lot of noise
2. The test babies broke most of our sophisticated instrumentation before we could analyze them properly. They put our extremely delicate equipment up their nose, in their mouth and in aheeem……..unspeakable places
3. The babies completely disturbed the researcher’s sleep (we kept them overnight). They repeatedly woke up and made strange vocalizations
4. After two days, we were happy to give them back to their parents. Our research was somewhat inconclusive (they spilled apple sauce on our readouts while our researchers were at lunch). However we were able to determine that babies, brownies and ultra clean lab environments don’t mix.

The Effect of Alcohol

Alcohol is strangely present during imprudent genome splitting. We are still investigating whether the alcohol causes the splitting, or the splitting promotes the consumption of these brown beverages. Alcohol can affect the desire to use birth control, or to use it properly. The question must be asked, do we really want our reproductive policy determined by Michelob?

Inebriated bar conversation

Lager leads to bad decision

The Wal Mart Affect

Wal-Mart: Are misshapen people meeting at Wal-Mart and splitting substandard genomes? We think so.

Ground Zero

Inexplicable body configurations

What is this woman doing? 

The Effect of Romantic Love

Romantic love is a nice idea, but it is insufficient justification to split the genome. Love merely determines if one subject finds another subject appealing. It does not scientifically prove the subject’s genomes will combine to synthesize a pristine, or even passable human.

Baubles like this lead to love thoughts, and love thoughts lead to errant genome splitting

The Influence of Churches

The Catholic church conjured the anti-birth control stance in 434 AD, despite their being almost no biblical support for the stance. Other religions such as Islam have been equally adamant on the topic.  

Recently The Catholic Church has recanted and admitted that the Earth orbits the sun. We are waiting back to hear if they finally agree the world is more than six thousand years old. Can they be persuaded to alter their position on contraception as well? Maybe one day.

Our Final Recommendation

Overpopulation, environmental degradation, and the replication of idiocy compel us to ask people who are considering splitting the genome to give it a second thought. Please keep that genome whole. There are many other things to do in life aside from making a copy of oneself. Making a copy is not for everyone and certain preconditions should be met. However, if one does not end up making a copy, one can enjoy life and luxuriate in their increased personal time, contribute to science, contribute to worthy causes and maybe even read some books.